I think this is one of the things that is hardest to grasp.  What is normal?  Who defines it?  What does it look like?  What does it feel like?

Miriam Webster defines “normal” as an adjective, usual or ordinary; not strange.  It goes on further to say: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern and: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle.

Ok…so a standard, regular pattern – not deviating from a rule or principle.  Can relate to geometry, chemistry and all other subsets of science.  A predicted path, standard and regular, expected.

For fun, I looked up “normal” in the urban dictionary, too.  If you’re ever really bored, reading the urban dictionary entries can be entertaining.  But I wanted to see what, or rather HOW, other people would explain the term “normal”.  Here goes!

• a statistic based upon a majority
• A tool of conformity
• A deception strewn about by society in order to coerce the public into believing they must conform to society’s standards so that they, in essence, becomes slaves to the sayings of those, corrupt and in charge, who in turn do not even heed their own advice.
• Something no one is, but for some reason strive to be.

Well, somewhat predictable for the urban dictionary – but it does kind of align with Webster too.  Something that is perceived to be standard, regular, expected – and societies attempt to conform or to judge based on conformity.

Yes, that’s it…I’ll say it again…

Normal is simply societies attempt to conform and judge an individual based on conformity. A judgement.  An opinion.  A perception.  And yet, we tend to classify ourselves as normal/abnormal.

So think back if you will…did you have your life figured out at 18?  Did you unequivocally know WHO you were?  Some will say yes, but the majority I think will say no-way.  It’s part of being a teenager…stuck in between childhood and adulthood.  Trying out thoughts and beliefs…testing boundaries…learning about friends and frenemies.  Trying blue sparkly eye-shadow and a mullet hair style.  We are all trying to find ourselves and our identity in some way.  With every attempt, we learn something and that shapes us just a little bit more -guides us into the adult we will eventually become.  But there are societal and cultural pressures – big ones – and we may not even consciously recognize them.

For example, I always expected that I would grow up, get married, have a family and live happily ever after.  As I got older, I expanded on these plans with how many children I would have, and where the happily ever after would take place.  Because I was going to marry young and have children young, I didn’t have any “need” to go to college…my husband would have a career and maybe I would run a day care.  So…to make a list, I needed to grow up, find a boyfriend, get a diamond ring and a white dress, get married, have a house, and make babies.  Seemed simple enough, normal.

I had friends in school who wanted to be doctors and nurses and lawyers and musicians.  Their lists probably involved study hard, go to college, make a career.  Did they even want to get married?  I didn’t know – but I’m sure they had a plan.  Again, simple, normal.

My plan seemed normal.  Their plans seemed normal.  It was the expected path, standard and regular.  Normal.

When I was diagnosed with MRKH in 1989…I struggled mightily with the fact that I was now quite obviously ‘NOT NORMAL’. I didn’t have all the normal/expected parts, and the parts I did have weren’t quite right either.  But what did that mean really?  Was normal really what I wanted to be?  What did I want to be?  I didn’t know anymore, but I was pretty sure that it was different now that I had this label….I had this syndrome with a name that told the world I was not normal. Or was I?  What did this mean for the rest of my life?

I still don’t have all the answers, but I do think I have a clearer grasp of what is normal for me.  Over the years I employed different strategies and tactics to deal with life and determining what normal was.  I had a conversation a couple weeks ago with a friend and he asked me, “Obviously you have come through all of this and are a very strong and confident woman now, but where did you learn to be this way?  I can’t imagine getting a diagnosis like that, at that age, and being able to deal with it.  Is this strength and independence something your parents instilled in you when you were growing up?”  We talked about it a little more and in doing so, I realized I had a lot of material in there that would be good to write about.

I did eventually learn to be strong, to find my own path, to accept the path I was on, and of course, I learned to be Courageous.  Ultimately, I learned to define my own normal and not rely on what society might try and coerce me to believe is normal.