Category Archives: Uncategorized

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Transitions

Today is officially the longest day of the year, the start of summer…and it’s 60 degrees, grey and scattered rain showers. Last Friday was nearly 80 and sunny and glorious – go figure.

At the beginning of next month, my new boss officially starts in the office. My boss of the last 15 years is retiring, but not officially until the beginning of August. So it’s a new season starting in our office as well.

It’s been 10 months since my back surgery, and I’m in the midst of my beginning of summer annual medical checkups. Made all the appointments, showed up for my mammogram last week. Next week is fasting blood work, and then my physical the following week. I feel good and have no great concerns to discuss with my primary care doctor, so hopefully this will be a smooth slide into the summer without more tests and appointments to think about.

How’s my back? Well, “good” or “better” are the easy answers. It’s different than before surgery obviously, since I have hardware holding me together, but it’s also been a long recovery process (well documented here on the blog). Today I don’t have chronic low back pain. I don’t have constant sciatic and muscle cramping in my back, hip, butt, or thigh. I don’t have the constant ache, and grabbing my low back when I twist or move funny. I don’t have to take over the counter or prescription medications to allow me to get through a day or night. I don’t have to have my heating pad waiting on the couch for me to come and sit for a few minutes and ease my muscles out of a cramp. But I’ve worked my butt off in physical therapy to both recover from the trauma of the surgery I had, but also to strengthen the muscles I haven’t used for years to support my spine. It’s an ongoing process of listening to my body while also pushing myself to improve.

I still have some lingering nerve issues, and recognize that I probably always will to some extent. Some of it is damage done before the surgery from my spine being unstable and pinching the nerves (sciatic)- some surface numbness on my right leg in several places that was present before the surgery….is still there. But the cramping that was an everyday thing before surgery is gone on the right side. Some of it is also from the surgery itself – I had a lot of sciatic cramping on the left side after surgery (I whined about it for weeks), and while the cramping has resolved – I still have some residual nerve pain in the top of my left foot. I whined about that quite a bit and worked on it during physical therapy – and while it’s vastly improved – it’s still there. But I’ll take a little bit of surface numbness and a touchy left foot over debilitating daily pain and muscle cramps any day!

I no longer have to get up 20 minutes early just to go through a series of stretches to wake up my muscles. I still do a series of range of motion stretches each morning just to get the blood flowing a little before my shower – and work off the sleep haze – but it’s not 3 sets of 10 repetitions of this one exercise, and then 3×10 of the next one, etc. During the week, I do yoga on my lunch break – specifically targeting my core strength, my hips, glutes, and hamstrings, and actually working on my upper body strength too. I have several dynamic flows that I work through to strengthen my body overall – not just focus on spine surgery rehab. Throughout the week I still end up doing all the same kinds of exercises that my PT taught me to do, and I’m seeing great progress in my strength.

I have tried and tried to like the exercise bike I bought (used) last year for cardio – but I just don’t. It caused me more body mechanic issues throughout my recovery because it’s basically just one movement in the same position over and over again – primarily focused on my hips and IT band. So I stopped using it at the suggestion of my PT when my IT band kept flaring. Instead I walk as much as I can. On the weekends I walk in the morning before a shower. During the week, I make it a point to get up and walk at work as often as I can…and then walk in the evening when I get home. Walking was the thing my surgeon had me doing immediately after surgery – like the same day….with a walker and a catheter in…I was walking the hallways every couple of hours. On day 2 they took the catheter out and I had to get up to use the bathroom….and walk the hallways every couple of hours. I have continued that pattern throughout my recovery. During my PT, I would start out on the treadmill for 10 minutes before seeing my PT for the rest of my appointment. As my rehab continued, I came to love my time on the treadmill, and as weather permitted I walked my driveway at home too. When I was allowed back on my exercise bike, and started having trouble with my IT band, I started thinking about selling the exercise bike and getting a treadmill. That’s still a discussion at our house – but I haven’t been on the bike for months now….and my IT band hasn’t flared in the least.

In January I made a concerted effort to start eating better, and tracking my food each day. I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been much more aware. I’m down about 14 pounds, and the yoga has helped me trim off over 6 inches overall. I’ve been able to recognize what foods I can eat and continue to lose weight slowly – and I know what foods stall me out completely. My goal isn’t a number on a scale or a clothing tag – my goal is a healthy mind and body combined. My current routine is getting me closer and closer to that point.

The final transition I’ll talk about today is menopause. Last year about this time, my doctor confirmed/agreed with me that I was likely peri-menopausal based on what I had been noticing in the preceding year. Menopause is a tricky thing to nail down in women like me with MRKH. Most women experience a change in their monthly menstrual cycle – and they notice the change because their pattern of bleeding (their period) changes. But I don’t have the benefit of being able to track differences in menstrual flow. Over the years I came to recognize subtle changes in my body during certain times of the month…and asking very pointed questions of my close girlfriends. I learned to notice not just pre-menstrual symptoms of emotional changes, bloating, tender breasts, and acne breakouts, but also the more subtle changes that came with ovulation. I actually had a pretty regular cycle that once I understood what I was experiencing, I could work to manage a little more effectively. But without the “period” to mark the date on the calendar, and obviously no worries of an unplanned pregnancy ever – it was just interesting to note what my body was doing. In the last 2 years I began being more aware of the fact that my “pms” symptoms were happening less frequently, and not near the end of the month as they used to be. Add in a whole lot of tossing off covers in the middle of the night, and some changes with vaginal moisture and elasticity – and my doctor marked my chart as peri-menopausal. We had a brief discussion last year about hormone replacement and options available – but I declined any formal treatment. I had a baseline bone density test last year which was totally normal, and I read a couple of hand-me-down books on menopause. Knowing this is a natural progression, and understanding that everyone’s experience varies greatly, I’ve opted to be preventative, but minimalist in my journey. I’ve added a women’s multi vitamin, vitamin E, and collagen for joint health, and made sure that I am eating a balanced diet that includes lots of variety in both vegetables and proteins, and a moderate amount of (mostly) whole grains. Thus far I have not been overly bothered by crazy mood swings, hot flashes, excess fatigue, thinning hair (it gets grayer each year, but it’s still thick and crazy curls), and I’m still able to effectively manage my weight. All in all…I think I’m doing just fine on this journey.

As I think about all the transitions going on with and around me lately, I try and remember to just put my trust in God. He has a plan, and my part in this plan requires me to act with compassion and humility, to trust Him completely, and to practice patience with His timing.

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The Day That Changed My Life

We all have defining moments in our lives; ones that shape us into who we are at the very core. Experiences that drive change – sometimes good change, sometimes regrettable change – but change nonetheless. Over the course of my life I’ve had several such moments, and I’ve weighed in my heart and mind which are the ones that have changed me the most. Unquestionably, the day I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the age of 10 was a turning point in my life. When I was baptized two years ago, it was another moment of remarkable change in choosing who I wanted to be and what direction I wanted my life to take. But those were conscious choices to change – rooted in what has developed into an incredible faith-life that is spent fulfilling my purpose to glorify God.

Today, I’d like to take you back 30 years – to a day that changed my life, and I had no choice in the matter.

May 16, 1989 – my good friend Janine picked me up in the early morning and drove me to the hospital for a scheduled out-patient surgery. We arrived at the hospital and checked in for my diagnostic laparoscopy. When I woke up in the recovery room, I was given the news that I did not have a uterus. This is the day that MRKH entered my life.

I probably sum it up best on my Courageous page –
On that day I was told that I was born without a uterus, cervix, and the upper 2/3 of my vaginal canal – I had a birth defect that no one could see, and I would never be able to carry a child. On that day, my world quietly shattered. My hopes, my dreams, my plans, everything I thought I would or could do with my life…shattered. Yet, somehow my life continued. As I look back on my young life, the things I did and didn’t do…I look back at a young woman who learned to be Courageous.

In so many ways MRKH has shaped my life. I have grieved deeply over a life changed by MRKH. I have faced off with clinical depression. I have lived through abusive relationships. I have conquered fears. I have learned that not only does MRKH mean I won’t have a period or carry a child, but for me it also means I have kidney abnormalities and joint and skeletal issues as well. Over the course 30 years I’ve had 7 additional surgeries because my body wears out joints very quickly. When I was 23 the sports medicine doctor who operated on my shoulders said that I had the shoulder joints of a 60 year old. (um…thanks???) When I was 41 the podiatrist had to fuse my toe because the joint was so damaged there was no saving it. Last year (9 months ago actually) I had my spine fused because of degenerative disk disease and spondylolithesis.

But this post is not about the details of my entire medical history (there are plenty of posts about that in the archives) – this post is about looking back and reflecting on the day I was diagnosed with MRKH and how over time, I’ve made the best with what God has given me.

For starters, I’m still blessed to call Janine one of my best friends, all these years later. Turns out she struggled with infertility too, and ultimately adopted 2 beautiful children. She has been a solid rock in my world for some of the most trying times, and even when we go years without visiting in person, we still pick up right where we left off. She encourages me, prays with me, and reminds me that God puts the right people in our lives exactly when we need them.

While I ultimately never became a mother for all variety of reasons, I have spent my life working with youth and young adults in a wide range of rolls. I’ve been a mentor and not a mother. I’ve been a 4-H leader. I’ve worked with our teen-girls youth group. I’m blessed to be an aunt to 3 awesome nephews, and 2 beautiful nieces, one of which gave me a great-nephew too! I’ve worked for the last 15 years in a university setting where I work with students training to be teachers. This past spring one of my students said this to me, ” I love how you’ve developed your life story into one in which your career ultimately focuses so heavily on flowering integral intellectual fertility within the minds of countless kids, both within Washington and beyond. ” That one got me right in the feels. All of these experiences have given me the chance to influence many more lives in my lifetime. And I love that I can watch these folks grow and prosper in their own lives. I celebrate their victories, watch them graduate, get married, and I pray with them when things get rough.

As I’ve journeyed through my 40s, I’ve felt the impact of MRKH in a variety of ways. I’ve probably experienced the most change and healing during this time. I’ve accepted that I’m a mentor and not a mother. I’ve focused my life on physical and emotional healing. I’ve had 4 surgeries (both feet and my back) that have tested my resilience. I’ve fought through depression and grieved the death of some incredible people and beloved pets. I got a full sleeve MRKH tattoo. I’ve come to rely on the grace of Jesus to get through everything life throws at me. I found other MRKH sisters just like me, and ultimately partnered with the Beautiful You MRKH Foundation to create the Courageous Project. I can’t begin to tell you difference in my life that has made. Sharing my story. Raising awareness. Meeting some incredible women – Amy, Kay, Christina, Dawn, Hailee, Ang, Britt, Erin, Jaclyn, Kristen, Jen, Barb, Chrissy, Allison, MaryBetsy, Kristen, Lizzie, Ayala, Hanah, Krystina, Elyce, Christie, Lyndsay, Lindsey, Julie, and so many others. The love that we share, the way we support each other, the hugs, the laughs, the tears…it has been, and continues to, inspire and change me.

And when I truly embraced who I was – that is when I surrendered it all to God. I’ve grown as a woman and sought to serve God’s Kingdom. I’ve launched a women’s ministry through a Facebook group of MRKH sisters – MRKH Journey through Faith and started a women’s ministry group at our church we call Ladies’ Night In. I’ve been ordained and serve as Head of the Board of Deacons for our church. I’ve completed training and been commissioned as a Stephens Minister. I’ve never been as complete and fulfilled as I am today.

30 years after learning that I had Meyer Rokitanksy Kuster Houser Syndrome, today I’m living my best life.

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Snow Gives Way to MUD

We had a very snowy February and March here in North Central Idaho.  Snow slid off the roof creating giant banks of snow on the side of my house and barn.  We plowed the driveway clear with the tractor this year, and created monstrous sized mountains of plowed snow all over our property. 

But now the sun is shining during the day, and the snow is melting off.  Thankfully it’s been a slow process so far…but nothing can stop the spring MUD.  Mud on the driveway where the sun hits makes for a slimy trip to and from the highway.  Mud where we park.  And ever so slowly the snow and ice is melting off too.  I may not be able to see the grass in my yard for several more weeks, but walk ways that have been plowed are melting quickly – I think we are down from 6 inches of packed snow (and let’s face it…ice) to just an inch or two in front of the house.  By the weekend I may see some gravel – or mud more likely.  But it’s progress!!! 

Now my prayer focus is that the weather continues to cooperate and our spring melt is slow and gradual, with cold overnight temperatures, and minimal rain.  You see, my house sits down in a valley along a creek bed.  As the snow melts above us, gravity does its thing, and the spring runoff fills our creek to capacity – and often over the banks.  We have lived here for almost 15 years now, and nearly every spring is wrought with worry and careful monitoring of the creek’s behavior.  Most years it is uneventful, with the water running high for a week, cresting over the banks for a few hours each day, and then receding.  But there are times when the runoff runs faster than we would like and the water level rises up to the house for a 6-8 hour nerve wracking stent before it goes back down.  As long as we have lived here, we have been lucky enough to avoid any water damage to our home – and we do carry flood insurance – but we know our home has flooded in the past.  There are 2 times that the water was high and we went through the house and picked up all the important stuff off the floor, piled things on beds, couches, tables, said a few fervent prayers – and went to bed.  We have been blessed to wake up to dry floors and receded water, but it humbles you in those moments.  You have to make quick but decisive choices about what really matters, and what will be just part of the mess. 

Isn’t that just human nature though, to worry about the things that are out of our control?  To spend hours planning for what ifs and then what – thinking that maybe if I have a perfect plan, and do all the right steps in the right order, I can influence the outcome.  Right???  No.  Really I can’t.  I can’t influence the weather.  I can’t alter the flow of the creek.  I’m not that powerful.  But I can have a plan to grab the dogs, a few essentials for myself and them, pick up a few things from the floor, and park my car on the top portion of the driveway – in case we need to leave quickly.  And that is in fact our plan – one we hope we don’t have to initiate, but we are prepared for.  It’s simple and without a lot of detail – because what will be will be.  If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that I can’t control everything, and there is no point to letting worry and fear consume me. 

These past few weeks I’ve been working on preparing for my spring craft shows.  I’ve been making soap, lotion, lip balms, salves, creams, trying to be diligent about keeping my database up to date.  I’ve filled and shipped a few orders, which is always nice, and have made sure those get recorded in the database too.  This coming weekend my plan is to spend a few hours back in the soap room and label and pack up what I need for the craft shows.  It takes a few focused hours to get that done, and I’m oddly looking forward to doing it and checking that off my list.  I need to make another couple batches of lip balm and at least one batch of my Courageous cream, and then the first weekend in April I will package up the last of the soap I need, wash my table coverings, and hopefully be ready for my first craft show of the season.

Spring makes me think of hope, new life, and new opportunities.  This past year has been a challenge for me in many ways.  Of course, a great physical challenge has been recovering from spinal fusion.  And now today, feeling fairly well recovered, I have time to think about what this next year has in store for me.  Spring time is also when I feel very connected to my MRKH family.  The annual MRKH Day in Ann Arbor is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I will not be attending this year.  I was able to attend last year, and to spend a week with my dear friend Chel for a much needed vacation, and it’s a trip I still think about nearly every day.  This year there should be an MRKH conference in Seattle, and I will make every effort to attend that one.  Obviously, Seattle is much closer for me making the travel expense more reasonable. 

I’ve been thinking about my MRKH a lot in the past few weeks.  I’m sure it’s because I’m working on Courageous products, and the conference is coming up.  But it’s little things too.  I was invited to a baby shower for a tiny new blessing at our church.  This little one is a rainbow baby after 2 miscarriages, and the new mom is a lovely woman.  I bought sweet baby gifts, prepared my contribution for the lunch, but when the day of the shower came up – I just couldn’t make myself go.  Babies are beautiful and lovely to hold and squeeze…baby showers are hard.  So I took care of myself, and skipped the baby shower.  One of my MRKH sisters recently had a birth mom change her mind about giving up her child for adoption, and so I’m grieving alongside her and it’s hard.  This was one of my greatest fears when I was at a point in my life where adoption was an option on the table.  Could I withstand the heartache if my dream was shattered?  To be chosen, and UN-chosen?  And yet, another of my MRKH sisters is PREGNANT.  She received a uterine transplant, and now after her 3rd attempt of IVF, she is 12 weeks pregnant.  My heart sings for joy with her, and she is even posting adorable bump pictures.  What a medical miracle and a blessing from God himself.   I have 2 MRKH sisters and their families who had embryo transfers to their surrogates last week who are waiting to hear if they are pregnant – and so we wait with baited breath to hear the news.  All of these things recently in my life, and while I am gleefully happy and hopeful for the moms to be, the new moms whose dreams have come true – I am also recognizing these triggers and allowing myself to feel the pain of infertility…again.  

My peers and classmates are mostly done with creating tiny humans themselves, but now I am seeing them welcoming grandchildren into their lives.  A new chapter, a new generation, another layer of legacy they are adding to this world.  I look at my life, and while I’m not leaving a genetic legacy, I hope that I am leaving a trail of compassion, love, acceptance, service, and grace.  I am content in my role of mentor and not mother.  I know that I am making a difference in the lives of the people whose paths I cross.  I know I am living the life and love of my Creator for all the world to see.

Matthew 5 15-16