Tag Archives: Courageous

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The Day That Changed My Life

We all have defining moments in our lives; ones that shape us into who we are at the very core. Experiences that drive change – sometimes good change, sometimes regrettable change – but change nonetheless. Over the course of my life I’ve had several such moments, and I’ve weighed in my heart and mind which are the ones that have changed me the most. Unquestionably, the day I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the age of 10 was a turning point in my life. When I was baptized two years ago, it was another moment of remarkable change in choosing who I wanted to be and what direction I wanted my life to take. But those were conscious choices to change – rooted in what has developed into an incredible faith-life that is spent fulfilling my purpose to glorify God.

Today, I’d like to take you back 30 years – to a day that changed my life, and I had no choice in the matter.

May 16, 1989 – my good friend Janine picked me up in the early morning and drove me to the hospital for a scheduled out-patient surgery. We arrived at the hospital and checked in for my diagnostic laparoscopy. When I woke up in the recovery room, I was given the news that I did not have a uterus. This is the day that MRKH entered my life.

I probably sum it up best on my Courageous page –
On that day I was told that I was born without a uterus, cervix, and the upper 2/3 of my vaginal canal – I had a birth defect that no one could see, and I would never be able to carry a child. On that day, my world quietly shattered. My hopes, my dreams, my plans, everything I thought I would or could do with my life…shattered. Yet, somehow my life continued. As I look back on my young life, the things I did and didn’t do…I look back at a young woman who learned to be Courageous.

In so many ways MRKH has shaped my life. I have grieved deeply over a life changed by MRKH. I have faced off with clinical depression. I have lived through abusive relationships. I have conquered fears. I have learned that not only does MRKH mean I won’t have a period or carry a child, but for me it also means I have kidney abnormalities and joint and skeletal issues as well. Over the course 30 years I’ve had 7 additional surgeries because my body wears out joints very quickly. When I was 23 the sports medicine doctor who operated on my shoulders said that I had the shoulder joints of a 60 year old. (um…thanks???) When I was 41 the podiatrist had to fuse my toe because the joint was so damaged there was no saving it. Last year (9 months ago actually) I had my spine fused because of degenerative disk disease and spondylolithesis.

But this post is not about the details of my entire medical history (there are plenty of posts about that in the archives) – this post is about looking back and reflecting on the day I was diagnosed with MRKH and how over time, I’ve made the best with what God has given me.

For starters, I’m still blessed to call Janine one of my best friends, all these years later. Turns out she struggled with infertility too, and ultimately adopted 2 beautiful children. She has been a solid rock in my world for some of the most trying times, and even when we go years without visiting in person, we still pick up right where we left off. She encourages me, prays with me, and reminds me that God puts the right people in our lives exactly when we need them.

While I ultimately never became a mother for all variety of reasons, I have spent my life working with youth and young adults in a wide range of rolls. I’ve been a mentor and not a mother. I’ve been a 4-H leader. I’ve worked with our teen-girls youth group. I’m blessed to be an aunt to 3 awesome nephews, and 2 beautiful nieces, one of which gave me a great-nephew too! I’ve worked for the last 15 years in a university setting where I work with students training to be teachers. This past spring one of my students said this to me, ” I love how you’ve developed your life story into one in which your career ultimately focuses so heavily on flowering integral intellectual fertility within the minds of countless kids, both within Washington and beyond. ” That one got me right in the feels. All of these experiences have given me the chance to influence many more lives in my lifetime. And I love that I can watch these folks grow and prosper in their own lives. I celebrate their victories, watch them graduate, get married, and I pray with them when things get rough.

As I’ve journeyed through my 40s, I’ve felt the impact of MRKH in a variety of ways. I’ve probably experienced the most change and healing during this time. I’ve accepted that I’m a mentor and not a mother. I’ve focused my life on physical and emotional healing. I’ve had 4 surgeries (both feet and my back) that have tested my resilience. I’ve fought through depression and grieved the death of some incredible people and beloved pets. I got a full sleeve MRKH tattoo. I’ve come to rely on the grace of Jesus to get through everything life throws at me. I found other MRKH sisters just like me, and ultimately partnered with the Beautiful You MRKH Foundation to create the Courageous Project. I can’t begin to tell you difference in my life that has made. Sharing my story. Raising awareness. Meeting some incredible women – Amy, Kay, Christina, Dawn, Hailee, Ang, Britt, Erin, Jaclyn, Kristen, Jen, Barb, Chrissy, Allison, MaryBetsy, Kristen, Lizzie, Ayala, Hanah, Krystina, Elyce, Christie, Lyndsay, Lindsey, Julie, and so many others. The love that we share, the way we support each other, the hugs, the laughs, the tears…it has been, and continues to, inspire and change me.

And when I truly embraced who I was – that is when I surrendered it all to God. I’ve grown as a woman and sought to serve God’s Kingdom. I’ve launched a women’s ministry through a Facebook group of MRKH sisters – MRKH Journey through Faith and started a women’s ministry group at our church we call Ladies’ Night In. I’ve been ordained and serve as Head of the Board of Deacons for our church. I’ve completed training and been commissioned as a Stephens Minister. I’ve never been as complete and fulfilled as I am today.

30 years after learning that I had Meyer Rokitanksy Kuster Houser Syndrome, today I’m living my best life.

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Snow Gives Way to MUD

We had a very snowy February and March here in North Central Idaho.  Snow slid off the roof creating giant banks of snow on the side of my house and barn.  We plowed the driveway clear with the tractor this year, and created monstrous sized mountains of plowed snow all over our property. 

But now the sun is shining during the day, and the snow is melting off.  Thankfully it’s been a slow process so far…but nothing can stop the spring MUD.  Mud on the driveway where the sun hits makes for a slimy trip to and from the highway.  Mud where we park.  And ever so slowly the snow and ice is melting off too.  I may not be able to see the grass in my yard for several more weeks, but walk ways that have been plowed are melting quickly – I think we are down from 6 inches of packed snow (and let’s face it…ice) to just an inch or two in front of the house.  By the weekend I may see some gravel – or mud more likely.  But it’s progress!!! 

Now my prayer focus is that the weather continues to cooperate and our spring melt is slow and gradual, with cold overnight temperatures, and minimal rain.  You see, my house sits down in a valley along a creek bed.  As the snow melts above us, gravity does its thing, and the spring runoff fills our creek to capacity – and often over the banks.  We have lived here for almost 15 years now, and nearly every spring is wrought with worry and careful monitoring of the creek’s behavior.  Most years it is uneventful, with the water running high for a week, cresting over the banks for a few hours each day, and then receding.  But there are times when the runoff runs faster than we would like and the water level rises up to the house for a 6-8 hour nerve wracking stent before it goes back down.  As long as we have lived here, we have been lucky enough to avoid any water damage to our home – and we do carry flood insurance – but we know our home has flooded in the past.  There are 2 times that the water was high and we went through the house and picked up all the important stuff off the floor, piled things on beds, couches, tables, said a few fervent prayers – and went to bed.  We have been blessed to wake up to dry floors and receded water, but it humbles you in those moments.  You have to make quick but decisive choices about what really matters, and what will be just part of the mess. 

Isn’t that just human nature though, to worry about the things that are out of our control?  To spend hours planning for what ifs and then what – thinking that maybe if I have a perfect plan, and do all the right steps in the right order, I can influence the outcome.  Right???  No.  Really I can’t.  I can’t influence the weather.  I can’t alter the flow of the creek.  I’m not that powerful.  But I can have a plan to grab the dogs, a few essentials for myself and them, pick up a few things from the floor, and park my car on the top portion of the driveway – in case we need to leave quickly.  And that is in fact our plan – one we hope we don’t have to initiate, but we are prepared for.  It’s simple and without a lot of detail – because what will be will be.  If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that I can’t control everything, and there is no point to letting worry and fear consume me. 

These past few weeks I’ve been working on preparing for my spring craft shows.  I’ve been making soap, lotion, lip balms, salves, creams, trying to be diligent about keeping my database up to date.  I’ve filled and shipped a few orders, which is always nice, and have made sure those get recorded in the database too.  This coming weekend my plan is to spend a few hours back in the soap room and label and pack up what I need for the craft shows.  It takes a few focused hours to get that done, and I’m oddly looking forward to doing it and checking that off my list.  I need to make another couple batches of lip balm and at least one batch of my Courageous cream, and then the first weekend in April I will package up the last of the soap I need, wash my table coverings, and hopefully be ready for my first craft show of the season.

Spring makes me think of hope, new life, and new opportunities.  This past year has been a challenge for me in many ways.  Of course, a great physical challenge has been recovering from spinal fusion.  And now today, feeling fairly well recovered, I have time to think about what this next year has in store for me.  Spring time is also when I feel very connected to my MRKH family.  The annual MRKH Day in Ann Arbor is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I will not be attending this year.  I was able to attend last year, and to spend a week with my dear friend Chel for a much needed vacation, and it’s a trip I still think about nearly every day.  This year there should be an MRKH conference in Seattle, and I will make every effort to attend that one.  Obviously, Seattle is much closer for me making the travel expense more reasonable. 

I’ve been thinking about my MRKH a lot in the past few weeks.  I’m sure it’s because I’m working on Courageous products, and the conference is coming up.  But it’s little things too.  I was invited to a baby shower for a tiny new blessing at our church.  This little one is a rainbow baby after 2 miscarriages, and the new mom is a lovely woman.  I bought sweet baby gifts, prepared my contribution for the lunch, but when the day of the shower came up – I just couldn’t make myself go.  Babies are beautiful and lovely to hold and squeeze…baby showers are hard.  So I took care of myself, and skipped the baby shower.  One of my MRKH sisters recently had a birth mom change her mind about giving up her child for adoption, and so I’m grieving alongside her and it’s hard.  This was one of my greatest fears when I was at a point in my life where adoption was an option on the table.  Could I withstand the heartache if my dream was shattered?  To be chosen, and UN-chosen?  And yet, another of my MRKH sisters is PREGNANT.  She received a uterine transplant, and now after her 3rd attempt of IVF, she is 12 weeks pregnant.  My heart sings for joy with her, and she is even posting adorable bump pictures.  What a medical miracle and a blessing from God himself.   I have 2 MRKH sisters and their families who had embryo transfers to their surrogates last week who are waiting to hear if they are pregnant – and so we wait with baited breath to hear the news.  All of these things recently in my life, and while I am gleefully happy and hopeful for the moms to be, the new moms whose dreams have come true – I am also recognizing these triggers and allowing myself to feel the pain of infertility…again.  

My peers and classmates are mostly done with creating tiny humans themselves, but now I am seeing them welcoming grandchildren into their lives.  A new chapter, a new generation, another layer of legacy they are adding to this world.  I look at my life, and while I’m not leaving a genetic legacy, I hope that I am leaving a trail of compassion, love, acceptance, service, and grace.  I am content in my role of mentor and not mother.  I know that I am making a difference in the lives of the people whose paths I cross.  I know I am living the life and love of my Creator for all the world to see.

Matthew 5 15-16
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6 Months Post Spinal Fusion

It hardly seems possible that it’s really been 6 months since my surgery, but I can’t deny the truth of the calendar. I’ve gone from the heat of summer, to a beautiful fall of color, to the depths of a snow packed winter. I’ve gone from walking with a walker, to a cane, to slow but deliberate walking, to the ability to walk as much as I want. I’ve gone from no lifting, bending, twisting, through a slow and steady recovery, to being able to lift what I need, bend forward and touch my toes, and gentle twists in my upper body. I’ve learned how to protect my back muscles and keep my spine stable. I’ve learned to kneel and squat down instead of bending at the waist to reach things on the floor. I’ve strengthened my hips and legs, and I’ve worked to strengthen my core muscles, the big and little ones, and I’ve worked to strengthen and stretch my back muscles and the muscles in my legs and hips. It’s been a huge recovery process, but I feel good with my process and what I can do now.

This past week I had a visit with my surgeon. New x-rays show my fusion is growing stronger, and all the rods and screws and cages are doing their job. He is pleased with my progress, and the strength and flexibility I’ve gained. He commented that it looked like I’d dropped a few pounds (yes, validation!), and that it looked like I was more comfortable. I agreed with him, and asked him about continuing restrictions. For the past 6 months I’ve been to avoid using a heating pad, and no use of NSAIDS. I’m cleared to use them now if i feel the need. I’m cleared to lift safely and smartly. We talked about craft shows, and that I am to be careful and not lifting while bending or twisting, and to keep my boxes packed on the light side. I’m allowed to walk, jog if I want (not likely), ride a bike, swim (also not likely), and do as much yoga as I like so long as I’m careful during twisting poses and don’t ask too much of my body. I’m to be careful and extra cautious in the snow and ice – NO FALLING. The fusion itself will continue to heal for the next year, but I’m right on track. His parting words to me were, “Call me if something comes up, but you MUST DO YOUR EXERCISES EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.” Alrighty then, message delivered doc!

The next day was my appointment with Brenda, my physical therapist. She put me through the paces and did some massage on my whole back (I was a little extra stiff apparently). She talked about challenging my strength and using some resistance along with more repetitions. She sent me home with some bands to use. She agrees with the doc’s assessment to keep doing what I’m doing, and keep adding strength challenges. She talked a lot about being aware of my body mechanics, and listening as my muscles gain strength. When you get stiff or sore, take the time to rest and stretch things out before doing more. When you feel like you need to sit and rest, do so. When you feel like you need to get up and move, do so. When your muscles get tight, use your massage stick and tennis ball to release the tension. And you MUST DO YOUR EXERCISES EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

So apparently, I keep moving along and doing my exercises for the rest of my life. I knew going into this surgery that as important as what happened that day in the operating room was, that my recovery and rehab would be even more important, and a life long commitment.

My food tracking app tells me that I’ve been tracking food and eating cleanly for 47 days now. I’ve also been riding my exercise bike regularly, and working hard on my PT exercises and doing yoga a few times a week. I feel like I’m in a healthy mindset, and the doc was right, I have lost weight since the first of the year. I’m not dieting per say, but I’m also not eating crap. I’m monitoring my calories each day, and avoiding eating grains and starches, and avoiding sweets and overly processed food. I don’t feel deprived, and I’ve been enjoying looking for and trying new recipes. We have been eating a lot more fresh produce, and I know I’m feeling much better in general – I have more energy and am sleeping better too.

If you aren’t in the Pacific North West, let me share that we have been given our entire dose of winter…in a couple week’s time. It just keeps snowing…many inches in the cities, a lot of wind, and out in the hinterlands where I live – we are measuring the snow in FEET. There have been school closures, road closures, and when you do get out and about, the roads have been a mixed bag of snow covered, slush covered, clear, and drifts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful…but I’m tired of it. The closed the university for a day last week, and we had late start another day…and those things hardly ever happen. It’s been several years since the last time it happened.

Last weekend the snow created all kinds of havoc. Wind gusted snow across the roads creating white out conditions, and drifts accumulating in the roads. It just wasn’t safe to travel out of the cities. After a series of messages between our pastor, the elders in the church, and myself, and a bit of prayer – I was asked to not only lead our service because our pastor couldn’t make it down, but also to deliver the sermon. I’ve had to do this before due to weather, but she wrote the sermon, and I just read it. This time, she and I spoke at length, and her sermon wasn’t a good fit for me to deliver. God has been pushing me recently to step out of my comfort zone more and more. So I spoke to my pastor about a sermon idea I had. She approved of the direction I was being led, and I sat down Saturday evening using a sermon outline another pastor had written, I wrote a sermon on the Power of Prayer. I used my lovely new bible to find appropriate scripture references, and listened to my heart as I was writing. I sent it to my pastor to look at, and for any last minute changes, and I went to bed.

Sunday morning I got up and ready for church, printed the bulletin that Pastor E had sent me, read her words of encouragement, and printed my sermon notes. My little country church congregation was lovely and supportive as I not only lead our service, but delivered my first official sermon. I went ahead and recorded it with my phone, to send to pastor, and a few close friends. After prayerfully considering my options, and the motivations behind them, I’ve decided to share it with you as well. May my words truly bless you.

Power of Prayer