Tag Archives: Depression

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Hills and Valleys

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2019 and all the opportunities it presents!

This past month of healing and rehab has been challenging. I’ve been fighting with my SI joint, working on core strength, and trying to live my best life. But I must admit…it’s been a bigger challenge than I’ve maybe let on. And honestly, I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself. Post-surgical depression – it’s a very real thing – and a normal thing, and to be expected.

I had a major surgery – I intentionally broke my back and have had to heal. I’ve got screws and rods holding me together, and bone that is knitting itself back together. Muscles were cut, nerves were moved aside to do the work that needed to be done. I’ve got a six inch long incision to commemorate the event. I spent nearly 2 weeks hardly able to lift myself up out of a chair. Sure, I had pain before surgery – that’s what we were trying to fix – but I spent a good month in pretty intense pain as I healed. I lived on an ice pack and moved oh so carefully for weeks.

I’ve been walking since the day of my surgery – only a few steps at first – literally enough to get me from the bed to the toilet and back. And it wasn’t long before I was walking more to cut the muscle spasms and get the blood flowing to help ease the pain. Up and down the hallway, round and round I went. I gradually worked up to walking outside and down the driveway. Over the weeks, the walking increased as I healed. I traded the walker for a cane, and eventually gave up the cane too. I moved easier and easier, and increased my stamina to where I could easily and pretty comfortably walk a mile or more. With the increase in circulation, and healing in general I got off the pain meds and eventually the muscle relaxers too. I finally disabled all the medication alarms on my phone, so I wasn’t interrupted constantly. I felt like my life was returning to normal.

A new normal anyway – one that involved physical therapy and a rehabilitation process. I’ve gotten some of my flexibility back, definitely gained some strength, and we’ve been working on retraining different muscle groups. So much of the last 10+ years, I’ve relied on the strength of big muscle groups – and have lost muscle tone and strength in the smaller muscle groups that support everyday movements and specifically the spine. My quads and hamstrings were doing the work of moving my legs, and the hip muscles were letting them. My para-spinal muscles were holding me upright and taking the strain of lifting instead of having my deep core muscles hold me up and stabilized, and letting my legs and hips lift. I’m having to re-learn all the right body mechanics to support everyday life. I also now have a spinal column that doesn’t move the same as it was designed to.

I bend at the hips, not the waist. I don’t twist at the waist either. My pelvis must stay square and straight, and my spine above must maintain neutral spine position so as not to stress the lowest vertebrae nearest my pelvis. But I’m not a stiff board either (or I shouldn’t be)- I have to be able to flex and bend and twist throughout my mid and upper back. My shoulders need to move and flex and bend, my rib cage needs to move around – all while keeping my hips and pelvis straight. It’s working on those lower deep core muscles that keeps that straight and steady while allowing more movement above. So while I work on transverse abdominal strengthening, I also have to work on loosening up my upper spine and rib cage.

As the weather here in North Idaho has changed to welcome in winter snow, I’ve had to adapt my rehab routine. No more walking the driveway for exercise – it’s too slippery, even with Yak-Tracs on. I can’t walk casually and relaxed – I’m too tense. I don’t have a treadmill at home – although I think I would actually use one if I did. I thought that I was getting enough walking in just by “doing life indoors” but it’s become clear that it hasn’t been enough. I’ve been doing my PT exercises and stretches in the mornings each day, but as you know if you’ve been following my last few posts – I had to back off some of the yoga and other stuff I was doing to try and calm down my SI joint. It worked…mostly. My SI joint is more stable, and the core work I’ve been doing seems to be helping with that….but I took the “rest and recuperate” a bit too seriously, and got lazy. And my reward for my laziness is weight gain, inflammation, stiffness, and yes…pain.

I was feeling sorry for myself. Frustrated at slow healing with a couple of set backs. It was the holidays and so I ate my feelings into submission. Bread, cookies, candy, you name it. I drank more wine, I ate more mashed potatoes and gravy, rich holiday decadent meals – you name it. I’ve always been an emotional eater, and I’ve always had to pay attention to what I eat and the effects of stuffing my face to soothe my emotions. But I let it get the best of me. I wasn’t feeling great, and I wasn’t dealing with my emotions much at all. So I ate caramels, chocolate, toast with butter, and drank more wine. It’s my standard coping mechanism.

Truth be told, I knew exactly what I was doing. I’ve known for months – probably the last 2 years actually – that I needed to reign in the bad food habits. I’d been watching the scale slowly creep up little by little. But dang it – my life has been a stressful mess for a while. Add in back surgery and rehab – and this girl was in a full on pity party. A few months back I really started thinking about cleaning up my eating – thinking through which diet plans and nutritional information I could buy into. I thought back to what I’d tried in the past, and how successful each attempt had been. And I though about all the things that derailed me over the years. I was deep in research and reflection mode – but not yet ready to really jump in and take control.

Until now. New years day often results in resolutions – eat better, lose weight, exercise more – it’s all cliche really, why does one day on the calendar make it “the day” to start fresh. Marketing at it’s finest. Every business out there capitalizes on the new year in some way. A weekend of watching nutri-system, jenny craig, bow flex, and peloton commercials – and ads on the internet for different diets, exercise routines, supplements, shakes, and whatever are sure to make you think about your routine and wouldn’t it be smart to start fresh in the new year. Marketing genius I’m telling you! But that wasn’t what got my attention and spurred me into action. It was 2 things. Getting on the scale and seeing a number that was ugly but full of truth, and a visit to Physical Therapy with talks about inflammation and winter activity level and set backs – the hills and valleys of recovery and rehab after surgery.

Yep – I’d lazied myself into a mess. I need to move more in order to move comfortably. I need to reduce inflammation caused by sitting around and eating too much. I’m asking my compromised and healing body to carry around extra weight, and my choices about what I’m eating is causing inflammation of not just the fat cells. I was trying to get away with doing the bare minimum…instead of doing all I can to heal my body and my mind. It was the jolt I needed to get back on track. Hard core evidence of poor choices equals poor health.

So I took several steps in the positive direction. I downloaded my fitness pal again and put it on the home screen of my phone. I went home and set my alarm for 20 minutes earlier in the mornings. And I made a commitment to clean up my eating that resulted in a shopping trip to get good stuff back in the fridge and allows me to plan some healthier meals that don’t involve mashed potatoes and gravy. Yesterday I had my first clean eating day in MONTHS. When my alarm went off this morning, I crawled out of bed and headed for my exercise bike. I did 10 minutes on the bike, and then did 20 minutes of my stretching and core work. I’ve iced my back to reduce the inflammation around the nerves twice today. I packed a healthy clean lunch and snacks for today, and I’ve tracked my food so I have a clear idea of what I’m eating and how it’s affecting my nutrition.

My main goal is to get my body strong and healthy. This means I will move more and eat better. A pleasant side effect will be weight loss. But I also know that when I fuel my body well, and move my body well – I also FEEL better about myself and that ultimately will set me up for the best possible me this year and in the years to come.

Have you heard this song before? If not, take a good listen. It’s been on my mind a lot the last few weeks, and I hope it will encourage you and remind you that God is with you through all the Hills and Valleys.

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Thoughts on Strength

 

Physical strength is the power of physics at work – the ability to exert or resist force.  That one is simple.  You have the strength to life an object, or to hold a door shut while someone pushes from the other side.  It’s arm wrestling at its finest!

Mental strength is a bit hard to quantify, but it is still the ability to exert or resist force isn’t it?  It’s pulling your tired self out of bed in the morning, resisting that strong pull of your pillow and warm blankets.  It’s the ability to keep silent when you REALLY want to comment on the color of that teenager’s hair.    It’s the ability to stand up in front of people and make a presentation.  And it’s also the ability to quietly say…I need help.

Strength is another of those buzzwords in my life, and yes, another of the words I included in my latest tattoo.  I think that I’ve evolved into a strong woman, and that many people see my strength but don’t stop and think about where it comes from.  Physical strength comes from gradually building up muscles to exert and resist force.  Mental strength is the result of that same gradual build up.  You rush past the easy stuff, you work a little harder at some things, and then there are times you have to dig really deep to get through it.  But you do get through it…stronger.  When I talked about Courage last month, I said that “Mental courage is the strength it takes to be brave, the faith it takes to believe, and the willingness to see it through.”  Huh…so mental courage and mental strength are pretty similar…what do you know?  But really, without that inner strength – it’s hard to muster up the courage.

I’ve had lots of experiences that have built up my mental strength characteristics.  MRKH for sure, but before that too.  I was bullied as a kid – probably most of us have been in some form or another.  I was teased for being poor, for puberty acne, for being a farm kid, for my haircut, and for being friends with the less popular kids.  But through the teasing and bullying, I learned compassion and empathy, and I stuck up for others, and sometimes even myself. I had to learn to be strong even when I didn’t feel like it.  When our dog died, and I still had to go to school.  When my grandfather died, and I still had to go to school. When a girl in our school was a victim of a murder, and I came home from school and NO ONE WAS HOME. When my brother got drunk at a rock concert, and he still had to go to school the next day.  When my other brother crashed head first into a mail box post while sledding, ending up in the hospital with a fractured skull, yep, I still had to go to school.   And when I knew I was different, because I never got my period…but waited another 3 years before finding out it was MRKH, and yep – I still went to school the next day!  🙂

I do see myself as a strong woman now, but  in choosing the words for my tattoo, I chose ones that would remind me of my journey and be a continual source of encouragement.  And it’s a vehicle for me to talk about my MRKH journey with others when they see my tattoo.  They can see and understand the words, but they may not recognize the BYMRKH flower logo.  I take any and all opportunities to show off my ink, and of course to talk about MRKH.

Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.  ~ Harriet Tubman

Philippians 4:13  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Psalm 118:14  The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.

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Woe is me

I think it happens to us all.  Things don’t go like we think they should…and we get caught up in the spiraling self pity bubble.

It can be triggered by almost anything, and once it starts, it can escalate so quickly into a full blown pity party before you even notice.  Self doubt, feeling sorry for yourself, everyone is against you, nothing goes right, traffic sucks, you get a flat tire, you trip over something, your alarm doesn’t go off, insomnia strikes, you spill your coffee, someone ate the last cookie…doesn’t matter what starts it…pretty soon you are that bratty little 4 year old who is throwing a tantrum just because you can.

Man, have I been there.  And even while I know the tantrum is an overreaction – I’m so invested by this point that I won’t stop just on principle.  I’m stubborn that way – ask my husband!

This week has kind of been this way.  It’s the perfect storm, all the planets align, if it could go wrong, it probably will…and go!

  • busy schedule at work – check!
  • fighting a cold off – check!
  • mortgage payment due – check!
  • snow and ice – check!
  • tired – check!
  • dog collar breaks – check!
  • tire goes flat – check!
  • hormones kick in for extra drama – check!
  • -4 degrees in the morning – check!
  • drop your phone on carpet and crack the screen – check!

One or two of those things, and you can probably deal, right?  But get hit with a bunch of them…or all of them…in the span of a couple of days and a full blown pity party strikes.

I start to question everything, I start justifying old habits and behaviors, I lash out at people, I burst into tears, I curse the unfairness of it all.  I stomp around and slam doors.  I say things I know I shouldn’t.  All because I feel sorry for myself.  Because obviously, it’s all my fault.  It’s all the result of my poor choices, and I’m getting exactly what I deserve for doing what I did.  I should have done this…I could have done that…I shouldn’t have done it, but I did it anyway.  My emotional side is vindicated…proven correct…totally justified in my reactions and the resulting consequences.  I got what I deserved.

Sigh…but my brain and my heart  know better.  Sure, these things happened…but it’s not worth the response I’ve given it.  It’s just stuff that happened – I didn’t do anything to cause it all to happen – and I need to not make it into more than it is – my reaction needs to be less than or equal to the action.  I need to exercise self control, and make rational choices.  Pretty much – I need to get over myself.

But it’s hard…it’s much easier to feel sorry for yourself, and pout like a 4 year old who was told (again) he couldn’t have a cookie.  I mean, we all want that cookie, even if we know it fell into the dirt – because it’s a COOKIE with magical powers to make the world a better place! It’s not rational to expect the cookie to have magical powers, and it’s not rational to eat a cookie that has fallen in the dirt, and it’s hard to pull yourself out of the self-pity bubble.

As I’ve been wallowing around trying to find my way back to sanity, I know that it’s not nearly as bad as all that.  I know I didn’t cause all this “stuff” to happen.  I’m not being punished for some deed.  It’s just life, and how I respond to adversity builds character and strength.  I can be a bratty 4 year old and feel sorry for myself and hope that someone will come along and show me some compassion, wipe my tears, dust off my knees, and hand me a new cookie – or I can be an adult and pick up the cookie, toss it in the trash, and grab myself a new one.

I still don’t have the answer to “why me???” in my pity party – but I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  I am learning to trust God’s plan for me, even when I don’t understand it.  I’m trying to have an open mind to the life lesson that every challenge presents – trust, patience, resilience, paying attention to what really matters, being kind, being thankful for blessings in disguise, and finding joy in the midst of turmoil.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go find myself another cookie!