Tag Archives: Measuring up

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Balancing – 7 weeks post op

It’s been 7 full weeks since surgery to fuse my spine from L4 to S1.  My incision is well healed – not that people see it, heck I don’t even see it unless I turn just right and look in a mirror over my shoulder.  I run my fingers along it as I wash in the shower, and it’s smooth and doesn’t hurt to touch it.  I can rub lotion over it after my shower with no complaints either.  Gentle pressure around the surgical site is fine, the muscles seem to be fine underneath and I don’t feel anything “weird”.  When I had my toe fused a few years ago, the hardware is just under the skin – so I can visually see the plate and a couple of the screws in my foot – and obviously I can feel them under the skin.  Not the same with my back.  I’ve got a layer of skin, (fat), and muscle that covers my spine and therefore the screws and rods that are holding my spine into place.  Plus, there is bone kind of packed all around it like modeling clay that will ultimately add even more strength and stability.  If you read on the internet, you will hear that the first 3 months after fusion are critical for allowing the fusion to “set”, but you are not completely fused for more like a year, year and a half.  So, while 7 weeks sounds impressive…I’ve got a LONG road of healing ahead of me.

But really, I’ve come a LONG way already!  The first week, I could barely walk.  I used a walker most of the time and relied on a back brace any time I had to get up.  I couldn’t get out of the recliner without help, and it was a monumental effort to get onto the toilet, and back off of it.  One week post op I needed the walker to get up and back down from sitting – in the recliner or on the toilet – but I could walk without it (it was pretty handy for carrying stuff from the kitchen to the chair though!) I still used the back brace constantly when I was up.  I started walking up and down my driveway, with a cane, and I managed to actually cook a few meals.  Two weeks post op I was starting to feel more normal and steady on my feet – but my surgeon wanted me to wean off the use of the cane, and the back brace.  So I worked on that, and I started to drive a little bit too.  I also started to actually sleep in bed for a few hours each night.  It was hard to re-position during the night, but it was nice to be completely horizontal for a few hours.  Three weeks was acclimating to walking more and preparing to go back to work, finding clothes that I could wear, and getting as much rest as possible.  Four weeks post op I was back to work where the biggest challenge was making the drive in and home each day.  I worked short days, but they still felt long!  I also was allowed to begin doing stretches for my back and start to strengthen some of the muscles.    Five weeks post op, was still short work days, but I was feeling more and more comfortable and while I knew it would be a long and challenging day to teach my seminar that Friday – I felt like I was ready.  It zapped my energy, but I was glad to be teaching and feeling good enough to BE teaching.  I was also learning to recognize the necessity of resting – not just sitting at my desk with an ice pack, but truly resting.  Six weeks post op, I pushed through a long drive and teaching again, but had some girl time and rest with one of my favorite friends and her daughter, took time out for a massage, and an afternoon for more girl time with another favorite friend.  I also got the clearance from my surgeon to “do more” – return to things I’d been doing “pre surgery” like yoga and riding my exercise bike.

So it’s nearing the end of 7 weeks post op, and I’m sitting here feeling a little sorry for myself.  In my well established pattern of being a chronic over-achiever, I pushed my limits this week.  I had lots to get done, and not a lot of time to accomplish it.  So while I did sit in my chair in my office with ice on my back, and I did go for walks at lunch time, and I did do my stretches and a few gentle yoga poses, I didn’t actually do much resting.  And my brain was running a million miles an hour, so I didn’t sleep great either.  Add in laundry, housecleaning, dishes, and staying late to teach – and my body rebelled.  Remember last week when I said I am listening to my back and I can tell when I need to move, or get ice, or rest….well, I haven’t been great about that this week.  I’ve been hearing my back protesting – but I’ve not taken steps to calm it down.  Well, not until it screams at me…like it did yesterday.

So this week I’m working on finding the balance.  Using my voice to say no.  Giving myself grace for what I just can’t realistically do right now.  Leaving a little early from work, and using that extra time at home to actually rest – not do the dishes or the laundry – but rest.  I need to finish my book.  I need to write a few overdue thank you notes.  I need to rest – so that I can heal. If you saw me in the grocery store, or walking on campus you probably wouldn’t know that I had back surgery almost 8 weeks ago.  But I did.  I’ve got bones that are needing to heal.  I’ve got ticked off nerves that need to heal.  I’ve got muscles that need to relax so that the nerves will heal.  I’ve got muscles that need to rest before they will get stronger.  I can’t rush this process for my own convenience – and I really do need to listen to the subtle cues my back gives me.  What do I need most?  Rest.

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Back to work – More or less

Week 4 post op as of Monday, September 10.

Friday I went to a training at work – spent a few hours visiting and training and eating catered lunch.  After about 6 hours, my brain and body were tired and I headed home.

Monday I went to work knowing I had a whole lot that needed to be done in a short period of time.  I dread this particular week every semester for its work load and stress level – so coming back this week was bound to be a challenge.  I managed to get through most of the day – and getting most of what HAD to be done, done.

I can now clearly and easily tell when it’s time to get up and move.  Stairs are using different muscles – but in a good way – than what I’ve done for the last 4 weeks.  I’m still using ice packs to help control pain.  I’ve had to be a bit more casual in my work attire as well.  Usually I wear some version of khakis or casual slacks and a nice blouse, and then jeans and a nice blouse on Fridays.  Well – the waistline of jeans and khakis rubs right across my incision.  I can tolerate it for 2-3 hours – but then it’s pretty annoying.  So I asked and was given permission to wear leggings to work (better than pajama pants!), and I’ve had to be creative in finding shirts and sweaters that allow me some modesty and cover my butt.  I’m generally opposed to leggings except for working out – and today’s college students wear them all.the.time!  With no thought to modesty and covering their butt – no matter the size/shape!  But I digress – I do have modesty, and so I’ve been carefully considering how I can be work appropriate as I continue the recovery process.

Ok…so ice packs, moving when I feel like it, and soft elastic waist-lines to keep my incision happy.  And knowing my limits.  Monday I did about 7 hours, Tuesday was 6, and Wednesday about 6 1/2.  We’ll see how the rest of the week pans out – but I’m making an educated guess (tee hee…I work in education….get it???) that 6 hours is going to be my norm for a while.  If I didn’t have an hour each way, and a scheduled hour lunch break (making for an 11 hour round trip out of the house working gig) it might be different.  But for now – that’s what feels comfortable.  And thankfully, my work is very accommodating.

I’ve also begun doing more light stretches under doc’s orders.  Hamstrings, calves, quadriceps (wall sits), pelvic tilts, knee to chest, half crunches, etc.  Things to just start using those lower lumbar back muscles a tiny bit, and stretch my legs and hips out.  I’ve been doing some hip and hamstring stretches all along (the PT in the hospital said I could) plus some just ankle and knee rotations. Really just focusing on being comfortable and not getting locked up as stiff as a two-by-four!  Hence, I can still put my own socks on, tie my shoes,  and all that.  I’m still being very very careful not to bend or twist in the area of the fusion – only the pelvic tilt I’ve started this week per the doc.  I’m making slow but steady progress I think.  Getting stronger  – for example, I can more easily kneel down to pick up the dog food bowls and put them down full.  The stairs at work will help that too.  Stretching and using all the thigh and hip muscles more.

I’m off pain meds during the day – so just muscle relaxers and regular tylenol – and ice – and walking – and stretching.  I can tell when hour 5 rolls around, as I start to tighten up and little twinges pop up.  So I know that’s the best time to do a gentle walk  – to the freezer – and get a fresh ice pack and sit for a while.  6 hours is the interval for both tylenol and the muscle relaxer.  It would be nice if I could take something a bit longer lasting – but not for a while.  Regular NSAIDS like ibuprofen and aleve affect bone growth and recovery in a fusion, so I’m not supposed to take them.  I’ve still been taking half a pain pill at bedtime, and another half at the magic 6 hours later – but I need to start taking a “read” on my body and see if I really need it or not.  I think more than anything I’m just “afraid” of the pain.  We’ll see how it goes this week I guess.

You know how I said I can clearly tell and feel when it’s time to move?  Yeah, that makes sleeping and the whole “overnight” thing interesting.  Meds last 5-6 hours, ice packs 2-3 hours, and my position needs to change somewhere in there too.  Pre-surgery I slept mostly on my right side.  Post-op has been mostly on my back with a pillow under my knees – but I get so stiff – and my hamstrings…yowsers.  So I’ve been trying to do a bit of side sleeping the last couple of nights too – left and right side.  Not sure either side is more comfortable – it’s just nice to have some options.  I tend to start on my back with ice, and then roll (log roll, log roll, log roll – hips and shoulders together!) to one side for a while…and then eventually get up, go get new ice, and start all over.  Only to be awakened a few hours later with warm ice packs, stiff legs, and need for 3am meds.  But the variety is nice

Oh…another interesting discovery this week – for the next YEAR…before I go to the dentist (even for just a cleaning) I have to take antibiotics.  And no major dental work without clearance from my back surgeon.  The bone growing business is SERIOUS apparently.  I also have to wait until after 6 weeks before I do anything.  I was due for a cleaning this week, but have rescheduled for mid October now.

Anyway, that’s how the week is going.  It’s nice to be back to a sort of normal routine, and I know the fatigue is to be expected.  I actually sort of scared myself a bit when I looked at my calendar and realized that the end of next week begins my seminar series that I teach…good mental challenge for me, but I have a sneaking suspicion it will be more physically tiring for me this time too.  I have a strategy session planned for tomorrow morning to get my head back in the game and make some solid plans.

I’ve been thinking about appropriate scriptures for this post for a couple of days – there are great verses in so many books of the bible – the New Testament for certain – any of the gospels, Philippians, Ephesians.  The Psalms of course – so beautiful and poetic.  But as always, when I start thinking about scripture to share, God leads me to the perfect one. I hope this verse from the prophet Jeremiah, from the book of Lamentations moves you as well.

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Awkward Conversations

I talk about having MRKH often, and so I’m no stranger to awkward conversations.  I mean seriously, I’m talking about myself…and missing body parts…and vaginas…that’s bound to make nearly anyone cringe a little bit.  Sometimes it even makes me cringe – but I’m determined to reduce the shame, to empower my MRKH sisters, and make it just a teensy bit less awkward if possible.

I’ve been thanked, and I think admired, by people for speaking so openly about MRKH and my experiences.  And you know what…that feels kind of awkward sometimes to me.  I’m not doing this for a form of self promotion.  I’m not doing this in hopes that an article is written about me, or an invitation comes from some talk show host to appear on a TV show to sensationalize MRKH.  I’m doing this for the love of my MRKH family, and to give hope and encouragement to young women who have just been told the name of their condition.  I want to both celebrate and empower us.  To show the beauty in the imperfections.  To encourage them in the face of what feels very much like tragedy.

Sometimes I forget that by quietly speaking out and speaking openly, that I might gather more attention than I was intending.  Allowing my quiet strength and confidence to show might create some intrigue into just who I am.  As you get to know me you notice other things too, that add to the intrigue.  My choice of eye wear – to me it’s functional, but is it also “sexy smart girl” fashion?  My choice to have visible tattoos – to me it’s self expression, remembrances, and healing, but is it also “rebel bad girl” statements?  My choice in business casual and comfortable clothing seems practical to me and fits with my everyday life – but does it lend itself to a “when she’s good she’s good, but when she’s bad she’s better” air of mystique?    I don’t really know the answer to these questions, but it does make me wonder a little bit about how I am perceived, and am I portraying my “true self”.

I love to watch people and their interactions.  While traveling for work the last few weeks I’ve had plenty of time for gawking and watching.  I’ve seen things I just can’t un-see, and I’ve seen things that have moved me to tears (hush, peanut gallery!!!).  I’ve had some interesting conversations, and observed some interesting interactions.  I had that weird moment on the plane that I wrote about, and I’ve had the opportunity to brighten someone’s day.

Indulge me while I tell another story that really raised some questions in my own mind about perceptions and potential misunderstandings, and am I really projecting my authentic self.  I was at a casual social event/mixer that was a blend of co-workers and spouses and friends.  Lots of conversations happening all around the room, talking about work projects, the weather, upcoming summer projects, and all manner of things.  There were adult beverages being consumed, music playing, and just generally a good time was being had.  In situations like this, I’m generally a bit of a wall flower.  I sit back and just watch people interact, engage in light conversations with people I know fairly well, and generally just try to enjoy the event for the politically correct amount of time before suggesting that it might be time to leave.  As I’m sitting there this particular evening, a gentleman who I’ve known for a while comes up along side of me and starts a conversation.  I know him on both a business and a casual friend basis, so conversation is easy and friendly banter.  But I can’t exactly hear everything he’s saying, but I’m nodding politely, smiling and shrugging as seems to fit the blah, blah, blah kind of conversation.  As the conversation continues, I’m catching more and more of the words and starting to catch the drift of what’s actually being said.  And I’m flustered.  Caught of guard.  Shocked even.  And then scrambling to find the correct responses.   You see, what started as friendly banter had turned to flirting, and then to pretty decisive hitting on me.

This certainly was not the first time I have been flirted with or hit on at some kind of event – but it was the first time in a very long time that it has happened when my husband has been in the same room, AND the “flirter” knows us both as a married couple.  It was shocking to me, and awkward, and honestly kind of funny too.  I was wracking my brain to figure out how to respond.  I excused myself and went to the bathroom.  As I locked myself into the stall, and sat down I said a little prayer to God asking for some guidance and strength, to give me the right words to say, to intervene in my brain, to help me get through the  interaction without making it any more awkward than necessary, and to help me to come to terms with the whole thing – sort out my true feelings, and to figure out what to say to my husband – if anything, and to not make this any more of the cluster-muck it was quickly becoming.

As I left the bathroom, I stopped and chatted with a couple different groups before returning to my previous spot where I had left my stuff.  He was still there, and I was determined to be polite but firm in turning down his advances.  He continued in the flirtatious banter, telling me he had been attracted to me for a while.  And while he knew I was married, he didn’t know if we maybe had an open relationship, or if he should be concerned that he was about to get decked for coming on to me.  I laughed awkwardly and told him honestly, look I’m flattered, but it’s not going to happen.

And I was flattered.  I mean really, who doesn’t want to hear that someone finds you attractive and desirable?  It’s the ego-boost that every woman needs from time to time.  But I also felt guilty for being flattered, and I started the non-stop, 10,000 thoughts per day, inner turmoil of what did my reaction to his compliment really mean?  And what if he didn’t take the hint and drop it?  And would I tell my husband of the interaction?  And would it be totally awkward the next time I saw him in public?  And what had I done, or said, or worn that might have given the impression that I would be available or interested in a fling?  Was I sending out mixed signals?  Was I letting my authentic self shine brightly?  Had I brought this on myself?  I was so conflicted…

The flirtations and suggestions continued, and I politely told him again that while I was flattered, it’s just not going to happen.  About that time I gathered my coat and purse and headed for the best defense I could offer – my husband.  We said our good-nights to everyone, the flirt included, and headed out.  I still wasn’t sure if I should tell my husband what had happened, not sure how he would respond to it all.  As we walked to our car I said another silent prayer to God for guidance and clarity about the whole situation.  When we were on the road, he asked me if I had a good time, and a nice visit with…..  I laughed awkwardly and said well, yeah I suppose – but he was totally hitting on me (and I held my breath waiting for his reaction) .  Hubby laughed and we talked it out on the way home.  He was not spitting mad and prepared to defend my honor with testosterone fueled fists, instead he found the whole thing kind of funny, but also a confirmation of some hints/feelings he had about this guy over the last few months.  I told hubby that I was afraid it would be awkward the next time we saw him, but he doesn’t think it will be.  I hope he is right.

In the mean time, I’ve had plenty of time to think through my feelings about the situation.  I’m flattered, and yet I feel guilty for being flattered (insert eye roll here!).  I think that sometimes I do inadvertently send out mixed messages.  I dress somewhat conservatively, am generally quite and reserved, I am intelligent and driven.  I also have tattoos, drink whiskey, and enjoy dancing to live music with my husband.  I know that my quiet strength and confidence, along with the glimpses of my inner rebel, has the potential create intrigue.  But acknowledging that, I did NOTHING to provoke this, it’s all on him.  I like and respect this man as a person, and I’m not really offended by his flirtation and hitting on me – surprised, but not offended. It has made me think about and reaffirm who I believe myself to be, and if I am truly sharing my authentic self with the world.

It’s approaching the time of year when I once again put myself out in the public eye and openly promote and talk about MRKH and my Courageous Project.  I hope that these recent experiences will better prepare me for raising my voice, speaking out, and celebrating and empowering women with MRKH.

 

Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created – Esther 4:14